Fuad Bey's house is resolved by the camp commander.
Meanwhile, Fuad Bey wrestles with the blues of
captivity.//
A page from the tiny notebook Fuad Bey wrote in, probably
using a needle or a pin as a pen.
1 July 1916 Saturday
The weather is nice and hot. Again
irritation, but it’s not clear why.
Sometimes I think about my family, sometimes I review my current
situation. For a few days I haven’t been able to bear the constricting
lack of money and I’m
scolding myself for having lived a bad life.
This evening the Commander came to our house and he was
informed
about he decision we made yesterday. The Commander said that in
order for the
problem to be settled by tomorrow nothing else should
happen until then. Then Arab Hamid spoke up
and said ‘they’ve all
formed a committee. I’m scared and I stay near the guard all the time.’
The unjustified rascal showed his true colors. Everything he said is a
lie. Neither the committee nor
anything else is threatening him…we
tried to refresh ourselves from the aggravations of the day by doing
exercises in the garden.
2 July 1916 Sunday
The weather is nice, hot. Thankfully, the
mosquitoes are rather few. I
had a pretty nice day. Pointless and empty thoughts really make a
person
feel bad. In the morning Osman, secretary Hakkı and Hamid
went to the Command and at noon they came
back. The result is that
we’ll all make up with Hamid and we’ll all live together. Strange.
How can
we live with a cowardly, contemptable, ill-mannered man who
doesn’t trust anyone? Is this possible?
Çerkez Mehmet, who came back
with those who had gone to the Command, said that the Commander
had
ordered this. He added some advice-like things. He also mentioned
that it would be appropriate
for us to remove our hats when we go to the
hospital with the Commander. We did exercise again
in the garden. Late
in the afternoon I went to see Şerif and I listened to Süleyman play the
zither.
At night Halis and I had a discussion. The poor fellow’s future
life will be even more difficult
than it is right now. I said some things
to console him. Tonight (just now) I had an argument with Rıfkı.
The
reason was that he had made a rude gesture.
In the Morning I Wrote a Story About a Crow
and a Fox
3 July 1916 Monday
The weather is nice, hot. After a fierce
storm that arose in the late
afternoon it rained a bit. Things quieted down an hour and a half later.
Late
in the afternoon we went to the Command office and they gave us
each 47 rubles as our June
salary. Up to now I’ve gotten 15 + 159 + 3 +
6 + 4.5 + 2 + 5 + 3 + 47 – 4 = 245.5 rubles from the
Russian
Government. When we returned we gave 12 rubles for table d’hote and
one ruble 10 kopeks to
each of the servants. We eased our debts
somewhat. We’re angry about our lack of money. Again,
I borrowed
five rubles from Mehmet Ağa. In the morning I wrote a story about a
crow and a
fox. I translated it into French and had Süleyman make
the corrections.
4 July 1916 Tuesday
Today passed with irritations and worries.
Really, these days I’m feeling
badly sometimes and sad at other times. This happens involuntarily.
Sometimes a view seems appealing to me and I’m thinking there’s a
breath of life in it. This
soothes my heart and helps to erase the
depression in my soul. It’s as if there’s a charm, a purity in it. This
soothes me, collects some special days from the past for me to recall
and overwhelms my being. I think
I’m living through the most unique
days of my life, my youth. Alas, after a while I find myself
stuck in
terrible storms of hopelessness and violent winds of despair. At such
times I feel a pain in my
soul, anxiety in my heart and a moaning in my
being. These terrible thoughts here in captivity,
springing forth with
bitterness, leave me prisoner to a great destitution. God save me! Leave
me to my
homeland to live a free life and fill my future with
prosperity.
5 July 1916 Wednesday
The extraordinarily nice weather of the
past two weeks is now
abusing our bodies with heat. During the day we go to the garden as
much as
possible to ease our burning but throughout the night we
sweat because all sides are closed. The
netting we’ve again put on the
windows only protects us from the mosquitoes. I went to see
Süleyman
today and we talked a bit. I had Süleyman write
some French words. We passed the time at night by
singing and
making fun of each other. Only Salah’s talkativeness got on my nerves.
After everyone went to
sleep I was deep in thought. This again is
piercing my heart, stinging my soul. Again, some poisonous
thoughts.
I wrote a postcard to my father.
6 July 1916 Thursday
Today it happened again. There’s a profound
helplessness and
cursedness in this life that luck has imposed on me. There’s something
preventing me from organizing and fulfilling the entire plan that I’ve
thought out and arranged for
the future. Something occupying my heart
and my mind for no good reason. Oh captivity! If
ot for you I wouldn’t
be absorbed with these filthy thoughts nor would I be trapped by the
things that unnecessarily dominate my ideas and my heart. Alas! Today
I’m completely lost in
thought. If you only knew how your existence was
shaking me! Let me have an hour, or even a
minute of peace. You’re
battering my being with a ceaseless passion, as if I loved to
suffer cruelty.
God save me! Please don’t let my life and my youth end with these empty
moans and
groans! Let the day show some happiness! Today was very hot.
We perspired at night. At
eight in the morning we went to the river and
into the water.
I’m swimming a lot but I can only go four or five meters,
splashing
about. I went to see Şerif again in the afternoon. We passed the
time in the garden.
7 July 1916 Friday
The same thoughts again occupy my
imagination. Sometimes I feel very
badly and I moan under a deep sadness. I look toward my country
but I
can see it only in my mind. The past and happy days give my being
comfort and I think some
pleasing thoughts. But now I feel a deep
bitterness in my heart. I want to cry but I can’t cry.
I want to laugh but
I can’t laugh. In short, whatever I want to do I cannot. I’m worn out
from a
vacant and poisonous irritation that I can’t break free from.
The weather was cold compared to
yesterday’s. Clouds are gathering
in the sky. Today I understood from Süleyman that Osman will
start
to give us French lessons. Those who will participate: Nuri, Burhan,
Halis and me.
Şerif came to our room and we talked about conditions
after peace comes. He is a hard-core supporter
of the Committee of
Union and Progress. Today I was annoyed by a childish thing Halis
said. But I really didn’t get too upset.
//END of PART XXXIII//
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