Atatürk, center back, at the Sivas Girls Teachers
High School in 1930. Which girl is Cemile?
Thursday, 16 March 1933
When we left the bath, the women came in. We stayed at
the coffee house until noon. While playing ‘fır’, Şemsettin
did something bad so I decided I wouldn’t play with 3
people. In fact, I sulked but played anyway, in spite of
myself. The Girls Teachers High School went to the
cinema at noon but we weren’t given permission to go in
the evening, which made us very angry.
Friday, 17 March 1933
We stayed at the coffee house until noon and then went to
the movies. The seats next to theirs were empty but it
would have been unmannerly to sit right next to them. So
instead we sat in the row next to theirs. Shortly afterwards,
Şemsettin’s girlfriend came and they sat next to my girl.
Hilmi called us to come sit with him. We looked toward the
back and could see them very well. Selim came to make
fun of us. In the evening we had a foolish problem with Ali
Tevfik. I saw that Namık was quite hurt by something I
said.
Saturday, 18 March 1933
The weather was cloudy and a bit cold. In the fifth class
Namık said something that offended me quite a bit. Since
we got out of our last class late the Girls Teachers High
School was letting out at the same time. I saw her
afterwards on the road. I was disgusted with her because
she didn’t look at me. The Principal said that Galatasary
High School scouts will be coming to Sivas. As I
mentioned, Namık’s words taught me what a low man I am.
There will be a 100-page history test tomorrow. What shall
I do!? I don’t want to do any studying. Even though Ali
Tevfik’s actions indicate that he wants to make up with me
but when I remember what he did to me I don’t want to talk
to him. The doctor says I’m studying history but
understanding none of it and when we make noise the Chief
Delegate says “For the love of God!” Hey, doctor, let’s talk
this over and have some fun with the Chief Delegate. What
happens when we pass from this world...
You didn’t understand what Namık said. Too bad...
Namık (written in Latin letters)
I’m really very happy that you remember my name each day
because you are making my life’s biography.
Şemsettin (written in Latin letters)
Sunday, 19 March 1933
In the fourth class, when the history teacher mentioned the
test we were very much interested. Although Şemsettin tried
to make some medicine from plain water it didn’t work out.
Perhaps he forgot about the test. Hopefully, he won’t
remember until graduation time. In the afternoon, Namık
and I were able to get out the back gate without permission
but while passing the Government building we saw the
Principal walking in the garden. We hid at the base of the
wall, not knowing what to do. We wondered if the Principal
had seen us. Ultimately, we decided to go back to the school.
As we had done in the morning, we played some nasty
tricks on Şemsettin. We were upset that he had spread the lie
that the Principal had caught us. We spent one class in this
excited state. In the last class, Namık wondered whether his
money had come so he went to the Principal’s secretary’s
office and learned that the Principal had not learned about
our truancy. Namık and I played a lot of football during the
last class. In the evening, although I walked straight through
without stopping I didn’t run into her. We played some
tricks on the merchants under the pretext of Şemsettin
getting a hat. In the evening, after dinner we showed Prince
Celal Bey our latest ...
Sivas PTT (Post Office) building in the 1930s.
Monday, 20 March 1933
Twice in a month I’ve had military lessons. Perhaps I won’t
have to go again. But I had to take the second one.
Otherwise I won’t be accepted to camp. When the teacher
saw us he said he hadn’t see us for a while and was quite
peeved. Finally, the test was given. I wrote the first of the
questions that were asked from the notebook. I wrote a test
document with different shaped letters for Namık.
After the last class, I saw her on the road but she didn’t look
at me even once. I was quite downhearted about this. If I
had had a gun I would have shot myself. Hey, you with the
flaming eyes: do you know that your actions might one
night cause the suicide of a youth who has never looked ill
upon anyone? If I were able to cry it might console the
heart of this innocent youth.
Tuesday, 21 March 1933
Alas! I realized that the world is very happy to torture me.
Up until noon the weather was nice but during the last class
it began to rain. For this reason, I didn’t see her. I don’t
know what I’ll do. I see everything around me as empty and
I realize that my heartbreak will only get worse.
Beautiful girl: are you not at all fired by the flame of love?
Do you not see the imprisoned youth who’s been turned to
ashes by your eyes? Cruel tyrant: I wish you weren’t so
beautiful.
Wednesday, 22 March 1933
In the morning they said that the driver Osman had come.
I went to see him and he gave me 7 lira. Late in the
evening, on my way to the mulberry garden I saw her
across the way by herself. As she passed me she didn’t
look at me at all. I felt really bad. During the first class
I wrote a letter to my father.
Thursday, 23 March 1933
In the morning I got permission from Çemhi Bey. I gave
the letter for my father to Osman the driver. Before I went
to the first class I saw Namık in the garden. We went out
the back gate and headed toward the mulberry garden,
where we sat for a while. Then we came back to school.
We stayed at the coffee house until the evening. When I
came to the school in the evening I ran into the Principal,
who asked my why I was late. I said that I had gone to get
shoes. In the afternoon, because of the bad weather, we
hadn’t been able to roam around so I didn’t see her.
Girl who rattles my existence: I beg you to let me see
your eyes up close. Let me drink them in. But, alas,
that won’t happen. This love of mine will disintegrate in
the ground with my body.
The opening of the Sivas train station in 1930.
Friday, 24 March 1933
In the morning, I was glad to see the weather had improved.
But later it got frightfully bad. Thinking it was going to
snow, I didn’t go to the theater. But she had gone –
Şemsettin saw her in the garden while he was going by
the station.
Ah! I wish I had been in the garden at the same time.
Would she have condescended to grace me with a look?
Girl: I love you with such desperate power that I would
gladly sacrifice the years of my life for a few days with you.
Stonehearted girl: remember that this youth will either
live or die based on what you do to him.
Saturday, 25 March 1933
The weather was cold, with some snow now and then.
Classes were boring. At noon Hilmi and I had a falling
out because he mimicked me while I was singing a song.
In the evening, I didn’t go out because the weather was
cold so I didn’t see her. In the evening, they checked our
drawers because of the communism incident. For this
reason we didn’t get to sleep until 11. I tucked this diary
into a sock. When Hilmi started talking to me I
responded.
Sunday, 26 March 1933
In the morning Sabri and I got cross with each other.
During the fourth class Ali Tevfik and I made up. During
the third class the chemistry teacher gave us some good
advice: in any case, don’t save any of your old letters.
He gave some relevant examples, too. I got a letter from
my father. He says it’s up to me whether I will come to
Tokat or not. Let’s see what I do. I really don’t want to go.
Monday, 27 March 1933
The weather improved today. Tomorrow will probably
be even better. In the afternoon the doctor and Ali Tevfik
began to learn ?piklet?. After the last class in the cinema
building there was a 3-curtain film by ?Keşfkolu?.
After the cinema, I saw her while I was going to the market
to get eggs. I saw her on the station road with her older
sister while I was going to school. After I dropped off my
hat, Namık and I began to stroll around the garden with
our notebooks in our hands. Fahri Bey announced that
attendance would be taken. Then we went back to the
garden again. I saw her as she was going to her house.
But in an unfortunate coincidence, the physics teacher
appeared on the stone steps so we went back inside the
school.
I understand, yes I understand. The world has conspired
against me with such coincidences. When I want to go
out, the weather turns bad. When I want to see her, the
teacher calls me to class. When I want to go to the cinema,
the theater is playing. Henceforth I don’t know what I
will do. Why is it that in our country it is not considered
a good thing for a boy to talk to a girl? Should I go to her
and explain my distress? What if I cry when I hear her
flowing voice? What if my inner feelings are exposed by
my tears? What a poor soul I am. No such things will
happen though until people live in the sea.
Sivas Boys Teachers High School, 1929.
Tuesday, 28 March 1933
In any event, the weather improved. In the afternoon we
left the school to go for a walk. Later, Hakki, Sami and I
played games. On my way back to school in the evening
I saw her but since I didn’t have my overcoat I couldn’t go
out.
Wednesday, 29 March 1933
Namık and I left the school in the morning to go the bath.
We came back to school for the third class. The Tokat
newspaper came for me from Tokad. I went out after the
last class to get a shave. When I was returning to the
school I looked at her house and she was next to the flower
pot. How lovely a red rose looks next to a green flower pot.
I wanted to forget her but I knew that I didn’t have the
power to. I want to fly like a bird and go into a hole. If I
were to grab her and kiss her – what a lovely dream.
Thursday, 30 March 1933
When I woke up in the morning I saw that it was snowing.
I felt so bad, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Namık and I
went to the movies in the afternoon.
She was sitting in front of me, on the right. I looked and
looked. She condescended to look my way once or twice.
Her scent reached me as though she were sitting next to
me and I blushed. I want to have this scent analyzed. I
wonder if this is the scent that angels have in heaven but
then I hear a voice from within me that says this scent
cannot be analyzed.
In the evening I received a letter that Hasan had sent to
me via my father. In the letter, he asked me to make sure
to come. But I really don’t want to go. In fact, the
Principal asked my friends a couple of times why I
don’t want to go to Tokat.
Friday, 31 March 1933
The weather has turned very cold. Today, Suavi, Kâzım
and Hilmi went to Tokat. I started reading the novel
“Karım ve Kosem” at noon and finished it during the first
class. I got some inspirations from it. Women make the
men they love suffer and they assert that they have the
right to do this. Ah, this is so true. After all they are
females. Why wouldn’t they torture the men they grab
in their claws? They always answer in the negative and
to increase the torture they stoop to using their meaningful
glances.
In a work entitled “Gözlerin Sırrı” by Nur Tahsin Bey,
there are these very beautiful lines of poetry:
Can you be happy if you are loved, without loving back?
If you love without being loved in return, do the tears stop?
I’m the victim of both. I love someone but get only insults
in return. The thing about life that I have come to learn is
that fate has doomed me to pain and distress and that
women were created to torture men.
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