Selahattin mooning over Cemile, tracking her
every move but never getting up the nerve
to talk to her. Toward the end of August she
leaves for Sivas and he's left brokenhearted.//
The Clock Tower in downtown Tokat, 1930s.
August
Wednesday, 1 August 1934
has seen her many times on the road and, in fact, he saw
her going into the store across the way to buy chocolate.
I was sad to hear this, thinking that could have been my
chance to talk with her. Today when I was at the
coffee house I saw her on the road and while walking to
the orchard I saw her sitting in the park with her mother.
I was torn apart with thoughts about her. Cemile is a
beautiful girl. Everyone could love her. It’s been 5 years
and it’s a sure thing that I’ll lose her again this year. So if
that’s the case why am I so obsessed? My God! I don’t
know what I’ll do.
Thursday, 2 August 1934
I went with my mother and Suzi’s family to Kocacık,
where there was a pool for the children that we swam in.
Tomorrow there’s a match. God willing, I’ll see her there.
Friday, 3 August 1934
In the morning, while I was walking with Suzi we ran into
Osman with his car. He was going to Tokat and his car was
empty so he took us both along. While I was walking
around Tokat I saw her in the window. I took Kemal
with me and started to walk in front of her house. Coming
and going, I saw her. I’m happy that she looked at me.
It means she hasn’t forgotten the past. I’m hoping I’ll
be able to talk with her at the match but at around 11
o’clock Kemal told me that the match has been postponed
to next week. I was crestfallen and began to write these
lines. I think she’s interested in me. How shall I act?
I don’t know.
Saturday, 4 August 1934
I was very happy today because I saw her all the time. I
saw her once around noon when she came out to go
shopping with her sister. On her way back I followed her
for a bit. Then in the evening I saw her at the lodge. The
first time I saw her she didn’t look so pretty but at the
lodge she was right across from me and she dazzled my
eyes. At that time I saw the old beautiful Cemile. In the
evening at the park I found a chair so I could sit in a spot
from where I could see her. Next, I sat next to the ‘şadırvan’
(fountain), where I dreamed of her and looked at her as
much as I could. When she looked at me it reminded me
of the students gymnastics day in Sivas. With same
happiness I felt that day, I moved toward her spot. I
realized that the truth is I’m in love with her. And she’s
interested in me but I want to find out if she’s playing a
comedy or whether she loves me for real. Wouldn’t it be
wonderful if we were able to go to Istanbul together, even
if our schools open early.
But it’s a good thing she’s not with me in Istanbul.
Otherwise I’d fail for sure. If I could only speak with
her just once. The theater show was pretty good and the
crowd was more that 300. Even my parents couldn’t
find a chair until a bit later when they were finally able
to sit down.
Sunday, 5 August 1934
After waking up and getting dressed, I went out for a walk.
She was at the window. Looking. The rest of the day I
spent at the office, until evening.
Monday, 6 August 1934
I stayed at the orchard today and spent my time with Kemal.
Tuesday, 7 August 1934
Toward noon I saw her passing in front of the office. In the
evening while I was walking with Enver, she was at the
window staring at me. As I have said, this interest of hers
pleases me no end. I wrote an emotional letter to Namık.
Let’s see what kind of a response I get.
Wednesday, 8 August 1934
I wasn’t able to see her much today. In the evening at the
orchard, they painted henna on the hand of the servant girl,
who’s getting married tomorrow. But how? She’s being
married without an official wedding and will essentially
be a mistress, so I felt bad about it. Since she doesn’t have
any parents, she’s been dragged onto this precipice.
Probably, it’s not a love marriage but rather a way for her
to survive. What a shame.
Thursday, 8 August 1934
Cemal and I played backgammon in the morning. It was
pretty exciting. He won the first one and I won the second.
We ended up 4-4 and went to a third match but that ended
2-2. Again, we went to a third and, finally, I won 4-1.
Today in the afternoon I saw her quite a bit on the road
with her mother. When I see her I get happy but a bit later
I’m sad. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Friday, 10 August 1934
My parents went to a wooded area near the pines. I spent
my time with Kemal until evening, when a stormy rain
began to fall. But the wind soon cleared the clouds away.
Monday, 13 August 1934
We worked on mathematics on Saturday and Sunday at
Yaşar’s house. Yesterday I got a letter from Şemsi, together
with the book on bones. Today in the afternoon we played
games at Mustafa’s. I lost badly.
Tuesday, 14 August 1934
In the morning while walking I saw her. When I passed by
her house I saw her in the window. Since my brother-in-law
has insisted, I’ll probably have to go to the meadow
tomorrow and I won’t see her for three days. How bad
is that!?
Wednesday, 15 August 1934
The meadow trip has been canceled. In the morning I
went to the office. Because I spent the day with Yaşar until
evening, I didn’t see her at all.
Thursday, 16 August 1934
I was at the office until evening. At 5 o’clock Ahmed
and I went to the lodge. A little later, she came, which
made me very happy. From now on I’ll go to the lodge a
lot in order to see her. In the evening, while going to
the orchard I saw Hilmi getting out of an automobile.
Ahmed, who’s in the Teachers High School, told me that
“Münevver and Zehra are studying in Adana. In fact,
we’re exchanging letters. As for the other girls from Tokat,
I sent a congratulatory note to Cemile, who’s in Konya, and
got an answer...” When he said this, I didn’t listen to the
rest of what he had to say. I was really upset to hear this
news. If it’s true then all my hopes are washed away.
I’ll hate women altogether and, in fact, I’ll never get
married. My heart is only for her and for no other woman.
Friday, 17 August 1934
I spent the day at the orchard reading a novel – Burhan
Cahid’s “Harb Dönüşü”. I really enjoyed reading it.
Saturday, 18 August 1934
The weather is hot and I’m bored. I’m reading “Türk
Siperleri” at the office. Toward evening Kemal came and
we chatted. On the way to the orchard I ran into Şevket
and went with him to the lodge.Half an hour later, she came
and sat at the table next to mine. I got a chance to get
a good look at her. She really is quite beautiful. I’m
having bad thoughts and feel like crying. I learned two
important pieces of news today: one is that the train will
come to Tokat and the other is that our electricity will be
stronger.
Sunday, 19 August 1934
In the morning we sent Hamdi off. The weather began to
get cloudy. In the evening we fixed the bicycle.
Monday, 20 August 1934
I didn’t leave the office at all today. In the evening we
listened to Hafız Bürhan at the Muhacirîn Coffee House.
The fellow’s voice is quite nice. At times, he nearly made
the coffee house moan.
Hafiz Bürhan (center).
Tuesday, 21 August 1934
I wrote a letter to Tevfik. Today around noon as I was
coming to the office, I passed by her door and saw her look
at me three times. Of course, her interest in me made me
very happy. When I was walking with the children I was
able to see her twice at home.
Wednesday, 22 August 1934
In the evening, while walking with the children, I saw her.
I’m certain that I’ll see reciprocal love in her eyes and this
makes me so very happy. In the evening at the park I
saw Ahmed, who said that the Teachers Schools are being
given high school status. The test is in September, which
made me very sad because that means she’ll leave in a
week. What a shame. I’ll lose her quickly. At times, I
thought I had a chance, but I have no chance in love. I
came to the orchard and thought about her continuously at
night. When I thought about her leaving, I just about lost
my head. I want to sleep.
But her green eyes are across from me. I plead: “please,
don’t go.” And she responds: “I must. Just think, if I pass
the test once I’ll become a teacher.” And I say: “I fear
that you won’t wait for me for 5 years.”
I really am afraid. Will she slip away from me for 5 years?
If that happens then all the dreams I have will go down the
drain. Isn’t it a shame that these dreams I have will die
before they come to fruition?
Thursday, 23 August 1934
I wrote a letter to Şemsi. As I walked by her house
during the day I saw her at the window. In the evening,
too, I saw her coming and going when she went out to
buy something. I see that her glances and boldness
toward me are much more than I can muster. Whatever
happens, I’ve made a decision.
When she goes I’ll ask her if I can write to her and if I get
a positive response then I’ll console myself with the
option of letters. If her response in negative, though, I’ll
pull this love, which has just about seeped into my bones,
out of my heart and hate all women, except for my mother.
I’ll give myself over to being a good-for-nothing for the
rest of my life.
My older sister gave birth to another boy.
Friday, 24 August 1934
In the morning I thought about her quite a lot. I don’t know
what I’ll do. At mid-day I wrote a third letter to Namık.
Toward evening I washed.
Saturday, 25 August 1934
In the morning, I had to go back to the orchard again
because I dropped my father’s key there. While going to
and from the orchard I saw Cemile in the square. Later, I
saw her a number of times on the street. She’s probably
getting ready to go. I wish I could talk with her before she
goes. Around noon I re-wrote Namık’s letter and mailed it.
While walking in the evening I saw her again but I wasn’t
able to talk to her. Again in the evening while going to the
lodge I saw her on the road. She was going to the lodge
with her mother. As I was walking with Enver, she looked
at me from the other side of the street. But what is it to have
these favorable indicators when I can’t even talk to her.
Tomorrow evening the first talking film will be shown in
Tokat – “96 Numaralı Mahkûm”.
Sunday, 26 August 1934
I was only able to sleep a little at night. I headed for the
city early and I saw her quite a few times on the road today.
As I passed her house I saw her look at me. Finally, it was
time to go to the lodge. Again, we sat in the same place.
She’s going to Sivas at around 6 o’clock, so to see her off
Vahap and I went to the automobile she’s going in. Her
suitcase came and lots of children. I couldn’t get the nerve
up to talk to her. I see her sitting in the front of the car. As I
look at her, she looks at me and probably senses that there is
so much I want to say to her. I want to smile but I can’t.
My trembling lips are silent but want to say: “Are you
going? Have a safe trip.” A bit later, the automobile departs.
I go to the lodge but my thoughts are with her. Even though
it’s early, I head for the orchard on my bike with my head
bowed and her vision in front of my eyes. My heart is
totally sad and I feel its pain. My head is spinning with
many things. I want to write a letter to her that says: “I love
you and want reciprocal love from you. Do you know that
your leaving so soon has made Tokat a hell for me?”
At the orchard, I hardly eat anything and in the evening we
go to Nuri Bey’s orchard with Rıza Bey and his family.
I’m looking at Tokat, which is hardly perceptible under the
shining light of the moon and thinking of her again. As I
lie in bed, she is before me. I sleep with great difficulty, with
my brain on fire all the way through till morning.
Today I learned that I love her too much.
I’m thinking that I’ve probably completely lost her. Just as
I’ve lost Namık, my best friend, whom I met in my last
year of high school, my dreams of being with Cemile have
been washed away today. What a shame. I never thought
I would lose both of them at the same time. I swear that
henceforth I will never love another girl and I’ll never have
a close friend again.
Tokat, 1930s
Monday, 27 August 1934
Today I came to Tokat in a buggy with my mother. I’m
thinking that I will never be able to forget her. Ahmed
of the Teachers School is going to Sivas today. As I chat
with him I turn the conversation toward her and I learn
that her father retired as a colonel and she has 3 siblings.
Her oldest brother graduated from the Sivas Industrial
High School and he’s working in Sivas now. Muzaffer is
in high school and Mualla is still little.
But Ahmed and I disagree on this point: he says she studied
in Konya and I say Edirne. If I turn out to be right, I
will have just about won the party. In the evening my
mother and I went to the see the talking film. The film
wasn’t very good. And there weren’t many customers
either. I thought of Sivas while I was at the cinema. I’m
reliving the Thursdays and Fridays in my last year.
These happiest of memories made me shiver and,
consequently, I wasn’t able to sleep very well at night.
Tuesday, 28 August 1934
In the morning I looked through the house papers but
couldn’t find anything. I haven’t gone to the lodge for two
days. I tell the children that I can’t come because of my
work. Yet, given that my hopes have been dashed, what
point is there in going to the lodge? I don’t know whether
I’m living or not. I come upon a letter that my father
wrote in his youth to a girl he loved. My poor father
didn’t get her. I wonder if my love will turn out the same.
Wednesday, 29 August 1934
Yaşar came from Çermik.In the morning we went to Cahid’s
and studied. For three days I’ve been giving lessons to
Cahid but I’m not getting much in return. Because it was
so hot at night, we slept outside. In the morning as I woke
up, in my dream we were looking at each other in the same
cinema. In fact, for the first time I wasn’t able to close my
eyes at all.
Thursday, 30 August 1934
Because of the 30 August holiday, all the shops were
decorated with flags. The holiday was celebrated at the
Army facility again this year, because the Municipal Square
is been rehabilitated. Last year, this same day was my
happiest day. But this year her sister and her aunt were
in the same room. I was so emotional, I almost cried. I
wonder if she thinks of me even once. I doubt it. In any
case, she didn’t understand love’s depth as much as I did.
Yaşar and I walked around a lot towards noon. He told
me about his adventures and showed me some documents.
You’re lucky Yaşar. There are many girls who are thinking
about you but I love only one girl. But I still don’t know if
I’m being loved in return.
Yaşar and I played cards in the afternoon. As always, luck
was not with me. They say that those who lose at cards
win at love, but I don’t know. It seems I’m losing at both.
Friday, 31 August 1934
I stayed at the orchard today. Again, I bathed in water
heated by the unrelenting sun.
Kızılırmak River, Tokat
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