Fuad Bey. In addition, he's in a reflective mood as the
Turkish year comes to an end.//
11 March 1917
Sunday
The lousy weather
continued today. Quite a lot of snow here, too. The
cold has returned, as well.
My haziness hasn’t
passed yet and it came
back in the afternoon, forcing me to lie down until
evening. I busied
myself with
writing today. I made a map and looked at my old diary.
Unfortunately, I
couldn’t learn any German.
The new servants don’t
like their duty here and want to go to the Kazarma (main barracks).
They’re
saying ‘we won’t bring water and we won’t stay here for a
measly three rubles
per month.’ According
to rumors, they too will
change tomorrow. New Turkish prisoners have come to
the Kazarma
and some
of them will be brought here. Good…we’re fed up with this
change of servants. After our lesson
we chatted and went to bed.
12 March 1917
Monday
Ah, today was an
unforgettable on for me, a day that left bitter memories
in my heart. Two years
ago, at the moment I rushed with great
enthusiasm to the
border to lift the exalted hand of the
Turks, all
my hopes were
dashed and I was crushed amidst storms of deep grief
faced with the
torments of tyrannical
cruelty. Yes, this cruelty and this
and insult won’t be erased from my heart but I
won’t wilt under its effect.
I’ll probably shine even brighter. This cruelty is not well-intentioned.
It’s
just an example of
inhumanity and vileness. This cruelty was
probably going to defeat me unjustly
but my death would mean
that
this nation, this country, had lost another child for nothing and would
have been deprived of
the great service to it that I would have provided
with great and stalwart
determination. Only the
loss would have been left
to condemn because I’ve at least partially rectified
my shortcomings
with the lessons I’ve learned from captivity.
In any event, I’m determined
to accomplish great things for
my nation and country. This last cruelty
has not stopped me from this. Perhaps
in this regard my
desire will be
strengthened with the rectification of all my shortcomings. I’ll
live, I’ll
work and I’ll
shame the tyrants who have seen fit to put me in this
cruelty. I will make
myself known. Perhaps, suitably
enough, there will
be spiritual revenge like I want and that I’ll have a happy
life…
The weather is
bad. It snowed a bit. It’s not all that cold though. News
(Tercüman): the Duma
wants clear legitimacy
from the government. Our
forces are in retreat in Mesopotamia. I went to see Şerif after lunch
and
we sat together for an hour and a half. We chatted. Again this was
without purpose.
13 March 1917
Tuesday
So today is the
Turkish world’s last day of the year. But I wonder what
the year end has
prepared for tomorrow? More
sorrow, more calamitous
ruins? Or a good, clean future? I don’t know…will Turkey and
Turkishness again be buried in deep deprivations or rise amidst bright
possibilities? Who knows what’s
been hidden away for this tomorrow!
Right now there’s a deep unknown. May God grant that
poor Turkey,
which has spewed despair and hatred in the face of the vileness of
Westerners for
years, in fact centuries, shine in all its splendor and that
its honor rise so
that the Turkish world can
be saved from the tyranny
and oppression of the Westerners and live alone and happily. Ah, ah,
God, show us today that we’ll be able to assuage all the damage and
hurt…
The weather has again
turned nice. The sun is warming. During the day
Halis got mad while we were playing a game and
I felt badly about it.
But it was wrong for me to think that I was the cause of this. So I felt
that our friendship would let me console him through conversation and
I
suggested to Halis that he
not get upset about this. But he was looking
at things differently and was embarrassed. He
said that he was in the
wrong and he hoped that things like this could be
erased. He apologized.
These are the kinds of things that result from the tension that captivity
breeds. (the real problem:
we were playing chess and I was winning.
Then I made a little joke that angered him. He shut the
chess board and
threw all the pieces at me wildly…). Haydar Bey was very taken
by something I
wrote on a sooty plate. This struck me as ‘if there
weren’t any ignorant people no one would know
the wise man’s worth.’
At night I told Halis a part of my first calamity. Today two Turkish
servants came.
//END of PART LXXII//
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